I still want to die and I feel like my friends who wanted me to get help are better off without me. Today I was sitting on the couch venting about some car related stuff, than how I was anxious about not getting a job in our new city, than without warning everyone leaves I feel like they got tired of me venting and just left. If I ask they will deny it but I know I’m a burden and I really wouldn’t blame them if they kicked me out if I went to the phycward and lost job. I feel like they don’t want me to die but also don’t know they are better off without me and I’m mentally abusive cause I vent and I tire people out but no one can say anything cause I’m suicidal.
Maybe have a conversation with them where you come up with a code that means “we still love you, but for personal reasons we need to step away from your venting for the moment.” you might feel better if you know they’ll tell you when they need to leave, and they can feel like they can leave safely. Your part of the code would mean ‘i will not hurt myself because you had to leave, and I also love you.’
This works for some people (an overstimulated autistic person who needs to communicate to their anxious partner they need to be alone, for instance), but not everyone, but it might be worth a shot if you can eventually internalize the idea that people can leave for a time and still care about you, and if they can deliberately put themselves first when necessary, you can trust that their care is genuine.
The ‘code’ can just be the actual words, but it can be useful to have a shorthand when emotions are overpowering.