I first tried to kill myself in 2000, and writing about it of course resulted in another fucking award from Columbia.
My drug dealer broke into my apartment, found my phone, called everyone he’d ever heard me talk about, and then finally 911. I’d been thorough.
At that point, it was merely personal problems; we now have systemic ones.
I’m still crashing with a friend but return to the marginally movable trash can tomorrow.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting. I just know “not this” is where I’m at in life, and one can only spend so much time with the crisis line.
Systematic issues have always existed. You can’t let bad things existed make you feel too bad. We have to take care of ourselves first. There’s being informed then there’s hurting our mental health. Try to let go of the compassion exhaustion that you’re feeling towards this suffering and focus on yourself! :)
Maitrī