I first tried to kill myself in 2000, and writing about it of course resulted in another fucking award from Columbia.
My drug dealer broke into my apartment, found my phone, called everyone he’d ever heard me talk about, and then finally 911. I’d been thorough.
At that point, it was merely personal problems; we now have systemic ones.
I’m still crashing with a friend but return to the marginally movable trash can tomorrow.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting. I just know “not this” is where I’m at in life, and one can only spend so much time with the crisis line.
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Dialectical behavior therapy has helped me with suicidal ideation. DIY’ing it without a therapist might be difficult at first but the game is to observe your initial thoughts and feelings about whatever is happening, challenge those with reality testing or more helpful alternatives, then reach a synthesis which serves you instead of harms you. My time with therapists was almost a decade ago so this might be a terrible explanation but it’s the best I have at the moment. Suppose for instance that a motorist blows straight through a stop light long after the light has changed. My habitual thoughts and feelings will likely be full of disgust. This is everything wrong with the world all at one: the capitalism, the cars, the Anthropocene, the selfishness! But maybe my assumptions about the driver are incorrect, maybe it would be helpful in this situation to try to empathize with that driver. What were they feeling and thinking? And what about everyone else that’s around, are they interesting right now? What is stopping me from observing without judgement but instead acceptance? Somehow this helps me get back to awe and wonder even in the horror.
You likely have some unhelpful habitual thoughts and feelings on top of the shit life syndrome of living in a vehicle. I’m sorry you’re struggling now. You deserve better! I enjoy reading your contributions and I’m glad you are here. Hopefully you overcome this soon.
The tremendous irony is my dad was considered Arizona’s foremost expert on adolescent suicide prevention as a clinical psychologist. News crews would come by the house to interview him.
After my first attempt, once they’d gotten back to the states, they flew up to Seattle, demanding that I come up with “an accounting of everything [they’ve] given [me] and what [I’ve] done with it.” This is not a prompt you want to throw at a columnist, because you’ll get 40" tearing you down and not at all about finance, which was the ostensible idea.
I was already managing ed at Seattle’s third-largest daily. The other two? Times and Post-Intelligencer. I’d found my voice by this point, and it went poorly.
My dad opened with “I thought something like [my suicide attempt] might be coming.” Great. Way to be proactive. Mom was crying within 20 minutes.
You literally asked for it, you fucks.
I’ve been thinking about the self-immolation of Aaron Bushnell. The extreme form of protest rattled people that oppose the genocide. Genocide supporters used the act as a way to point at service members that don’t support genocide. The people that needed the message of his protest do not care. I contend Aaron Bushnell could have done more by continuing life.
I am not you. I do not know your story. I do know you brighten up my Lemmy feed with your posts. Your message reaches me.
I have a gallows sense of humor about the current systemic issues. I have been watching a police officer patrol the neighborhood in a SUV with a massive rack of lights on top. Welcome to the future, I suppose.
Politically, “power to” is important to me. I feel empowered knowing that I have the “power to” end my life, but have chosen not to, because we are stronger together in the fight against over-policing and the heirarchical power structures that use forms of violence to restrict our “power to” do things.
I medicate with music. Since you are already in a dark place, here is music I medicate with to feel empowered when I am reaching the end of my rope. It is not what you would get from a crisis line.
This life is fucked, this life is shit We never even asked for it So with that I’ll do what I please Spray my brains all over the trees Only thing waiting on the other side Is six feet of dirt, there’s no surprise to hide
- Give Up / Vas a Morir by Akil Godsey of End It
And if I die as a partisan, oh bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao, ciao, ciao and if I die as a partisan then you must bury me.
- English translation of Bella Ciao, Italian folk partisan song
I am not you. I do not know your story. I do know you brighten up my Lemmy feed with your posts. Your message reaches me.
Thanks for the kind words. I’ve been listening to my entire music collection on random for several days. Few tracks have lyrics, as I was a raver 25 years ago, so while I do have a bit of NIN, it’s not angry stuff for the most part.
I’d like to second this sentiment… I know that there’s one man who understands the fear I’m feeling, the building rage and panic. He posts on my instance and his name is Pete. Its a little thing but it makes me feel less alone.
Might edit this post with some music I’ve been using to cope later. I just wanted to let you know I, we, see you.
Here ya go. I got into a game with a soundtrack by an infamous breakbeat producer called Sewerslvt and what I took away from reading about her career is that her oeuvre hinges a lot on suicidality, loss, and shock. This track is called Jvnko Loves You and references one of the most brutal, graphic stories of murder I’ve ever come across and… it makes me want to live because the victim in question didn’t get to, which I think is what the artist was going for.
More generally, the music of Death Grips helped me internalize that spite can be a vile humor that pushes us to live and that hate, rage, and nihilism are core parts of our humanity that hurt as much to deny as they do to embrace. Many of their songs are about how hard it is to choose to live and many of their lyrics have stuck with me. Beware - an audio formatted raison d’etre. On GP - a screed about choosing to live for others. Come Up and Get Me - Self explanatory.
These are angry and/or intense songs and thoughts that I hope won’t be triggering for you, please don’t listen if they are. I know you DID say anger wasn’t your cup of tea, sorry. Its not ecstasy, but I’m in a somewhat similar boat of coming off of being a daily weed smoker during one of the worst times I can imagine for ANYONE to kick ANYTHING, whether it’s opiates or gummy bears. My sympathies. I’d like to also add a couple of more beautiful, serene tracks, to counterbalance the bleak tracks above.
I usually know how to respond. In this case, I do not.
You don’t always have to. I know some of what you’re feeling and sympathize. There’s some music in the above post. I wish I could do more for you than link to an eclectic barrage of tracks.
<3
Freestylers - Back to '99 is one of my favourite breaks tracks. It does veer into DnB.
I’m only familiar with one Sufjan Stevens track. I’ll check these out. Thanks!
You repeatedly mentioned that you’re a Swiss citizen. If all else fails, you could always come here and have guaranteed shelter, food and medical care for as long as you need them. I know people less deserving than you living quite agreeably that way - it sure would beat crashing in a van.
Also, if that’s a concern, one part of unemployment support is that you’ll attend paid courses to help you gain more marketable skills.
Having the fortitude and resources to get to Atlanta to renew my Pass and then making it to Kloten is the issue.
I have skills; they’re just no longer valued.
I have skills; they’re just no longer valued.
They may be valued somewhere; and even if that place is too hard to find at the moment, you seem smart enough to adapt and enhance your skillset as needed easily enough.
If the flight is the main issue, I might be able to help with that (and the first couple of days of accommodation), provided you’re moderately flexible concerning the date. Everything else you’d have to arrange yourself, but if a flight ticket (or the lack thereof) is all that’s missing, do get in touch!
Mom is willing to help out with getting to Atlanta for the biometrics if I have a further plan. It’s the only consulate in the states with the capacity to issue Passes under current rules.
ETA: Per mom, San Francisco also has the equipment to issue passports, I’m just slightly too far east to be covered by that consulate.
what skills?
I’ve been in journalism since the '90s. And I wasn’t particularly bad at it.
This is to create a Suicide Safety Plan. Something to have for those bad days and moments. Unfortunately, it just occurred to me that I don’t have a text only alternative.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to help, really. My energy levels fluctuate, but we are a community, so I hope others will pick it up from wherever one stops.
First question is: What do you need? You might not know, but it’s good to have in mind.
[pressed send button too soon by acident]
I’m not sure if I understand your story. Why does the award bother you? And the dealer calling all those people is meant to show that they didn’t answer?
My parents were in Switzerland at the time, so basically, I ended up with a couple of local friends coming by the hospital, one of whom I’d been friends with for three years who upon entering the room, slapped me hard. “What the fuck were you thinking?” But I also learned to enjoy onions when my editor brought by a burger.
As to the award, like, what are you supposed to do with that in interviews? “Hi, I write well about being crazy and trying to off myself.”
I’m not going to try and find the “right” thing to say because I’ll surely fail. What I can say is that I’ve lost two people to suic*de, one a family member that I was just getting to know in my adult years and we were getting along so well, discovering we had lots in common. My heart hurts to see you in this position, and it hurts to be reminded that I didn’t pay attention to the signs that my family member would be taking their life upon reflecting on events that led to that day. What I hope to convey in this is that I see you, and I recognize that you’re reaching out. I don’t know if any of us have the answer, but I’ll be damned if I make the mistake of not recognizing when I could bring even a modicum of grace and kindness to my fellow human. I’m sorry this shit show of a timeline is so damn shitty. You surely deserve better.
I think what hits hardest is that my entire professional life was attempting to help others, and this is what karma is delivering.
It’s all so confusing when you put what you interpret to be “good” out into the world, only to be shit on, chastised, or ignored after the fact. Reading what Kwakigra responded to you with, and remembering the examples of Pals coming together and celebrating community despite the horrors they face, I’m reminded of a cliché - those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind. In your struggles, despite them or because of them, you can still find community. I count myself as grateful to see your continued contributions here, and it sounds like others feel similarly. You’ve probably opened my eyes to a number of things that enrich my life in these two short years here. I just hope that this random Internet person (me) can somehow show thanks for your existence. Does this count for much? Maybe not, but maybe. All I know is that you seem to be a positive influence here, and I appreciate you.
Thank you. I’m just in a dark place. Seriously, it’s impossible to know what time it is.
I relate to this heavily, especially what seems like your guilt about it which I relate to the most.
In my case I was raised in an emotionally neglectful environment which suppresses the generation of the self during childhood. As a result, I learned (unconsciously) that I personally have no inherent value, so my value to the human race was tied exactly to my “objective” provable contribution to it. If I could demonstrate my value by helping others, then perhaps one day I would earn the love from somewhere that I didn’t receive from my thoroughly traumatized parents.
There are a few problems with this trauma logic. First, it doesn’t work. People appreciate good deeds, but love and appreciation come from compatibility and trust which I learned that I don’t actually have to work toward to earn. I found that people whose relationship was based on my service to them (like I was raised to seek) aren’t actually connected to me in any way. Second, it is disturbing to live this way because it feels as dishonest as it is. It felt like I was tricking people because I actually was presenting to everyone an image which was cultivated for personal safety as a child rather than for actual connection. I could sense (due to my heightened awareness of other’s emotional states, again, for childhood safety) that others knew I wasn’t being completely genuine and could never truly connect with me. Finally, this approach generates self hatred. Why would I have to hide my true self from the world if my true self wasn’t awful and horrendous? I can tell you I have had thoughts so disturbing I would never commit them to the written word. I thought that was my true self that I had to constantly work against with my paragon persona. As I’ve been getting away from co-dependent and people pleasing behaviors and expressing myself more genuinely, those thoughts that came from me feeling isolated and cornered have lessened. Those thoughts were and are nothing more than the consequence of trauma, not my true self.
I have no idea whether you would relate to any of the above. But I can say that people don’t get to the point where you are and where I have been multiple times in my life without trauma being involved. Trauma fucks you up, makes you feel guilty, and makes you want to isolate. This makes it tricky to find others who are as fucked up by trauma as you are. I have by some fortune found a few of them. It can be incredibly cathartic to talk to other traumatized people and joke about things that the rest of the world would never willingly even think about. It also gave me some perspective. I always assumed my childhood experiences weren’t that bad because my parents always compared what they did to me to what their parents did to them which was even to a child an obviously far worse. By sharing with others what I experienced, I’ve learned that it was actually very bad, I’m not over-reacting, and it makes complete sense that I would come out the other end traumatized with the feeling that living life is a constant struggle which I would be relieved to be absolved of.
As far as systemic issues, what we’re living through now is more typical of the human experience than what our parents experienced. The world is a vastly intricate web of beauty and horrors. We have the advantage and disadvantage of not flinching at the horrors and taking them completely on. This gives us a better perspective of the world’s problems, many of which are frustratingly fixable, but also gives us the consequence which everyone else intuitively avoids. I would never suggest to anyone to bury their head in the sand, only to suggest that there is a greater reality intermixed with and beyond the horrors.
I watched a video of dozens of Palestinians joyfully dancing and celebrating with their friends and family during the height of the genocide. I can’t forget about it because even through they were living through one of the worst things which can be inflicted on a group of people, they understood that joy and community was what they were preserving and could help them all through. I’ve personally never had that, hence my solution to the problems of the world being similar to your solution. Escape them since there’s not much to lose anyway. That’s pretty sick that you and I would ever think that way and the circumstances which caused that are beyond unfair.
I’m far from out of the woods myself, but exposing the parts of myself which I’ve always been ashamed of to people who understand what we went through has hinted to me that some kind of reclamation of my right as a human being is possible. If no one has ever told you, Pete Hahnloser, you deserve to experience some measure of joy and comfort in this life and you deserve to believe that you deserve it and can have it. I’ve never had faith of been very hopeful in my life, and those things have always felt foolish to me, but I’m starting to understand why those things are important for most people. I hope you can find some comfort, whatever you decide.
I hope you are able to get to a much more comfortable place in life.
One thing that I try to remind myself of is that nothing is permanent, and things can turn around for the better. But I know that when we’re in the moment, it doesn’t feel that way
I’ve appreciated your contributions to beehaw, but I hope that they aren’t causing you more stress. Please take care of yourself!
Thanks! I need someone to save me at this point. We don’t get to choose that timing.
Systematic issues have always existed. You can’t let bad things existed make you feel too bad. We have to take care of ourselves first. There’s being informed then there’s hurting our mental health. Try to let go of the compassion exhaustion that you’re feeling towards this suffering and focus on yourself! :)
Maitrī
