we’ve been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter’s premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we’ve been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I’ve never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I’ve tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I’m talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she’ll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can’t tell if she’s scared of me or if she just doesn’t care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I’m trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I’m not sure what to try next, I’d really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I’ve genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I’ve been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I’m kind of at a loss.
You shouldn’t have to apologise for your behaviour as a child. You were a child, she was a parent. If anything your childhood behaviour is to some extent HER responsibility.
From what you’ve said, it sounds as if you’re bending over backwards trying to repair your relationship while your mum is being stubborn & petty. If it were me, I’d make a final attempt to reach out and explicitly say that I am desperately trying to mend our relationship, but it seems as if she isn’t interested in doing that… and if that’s the case, can she just be upfront about it so you can both move on.
This, a thousand times this. You were a child and it was never your responsibility to be anything but one.
If apologizing to your parents for your behavior as a child doesn’t scream childhood emotional neglect, I don’t know what does.
The fact that mom is still blatantly neglecting OPs emotions, too.
To be fair he did say teenage behavior, and I know I said and did some truly awful shit as a teenager. My parents sacrificed a ton for me, and I was just a petty and ungrateful brat tweeting shit like “a homeless man would be a better dad”
Makes me sick just typing that out and knowing that at one point, I said it with my chest.
I’ve definitely gone to my parents and apologized for the fucked up stuff I said and some of the worse things I did. Because sometimes it is the kid.
I was depressed, and dealing with undiagnosed anxiety but that’s not an excuse to say hateful, cruel things, probably just because they said no to going to the mall or something.
I’m 27 now and my dad and I are just starting to get back to having a normal relationship where we talk about things other than like, my taxes or my car maintenance. We can chat now, and talk like a father and daughter.
So in regards to OP…idk what his situation was but maybe the apology was warranted. But for her to still be digging her heels in…yeah it might be time to just lay it out and be like “Hey, I really want to mend our relationship. Are you interested in doing that? Because if you are not I would rather know so that we can both find peace.”
Dude, that’s not that bad. Your parents were being oversensitive adults if that can’t understand a situation wherein a teen would legitimately feel that way about their parents.
I told my dad that I’m too much like him and it makes me suicidal. I meant it when I said it. We still have a healthy relationship.
I think you’re beating yourself up too much, and your parents sound like they’re indifferent to your suffering.
I’m not sure if it’s relevant here, but I’d recommend taking a look at the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I picked up the audiobook from my library and it really helped me understand myself, my development, and my parents a lot better and to have a healthier outlook on our relationship. I always understood my parents had their own baggage, but I didn’t realize the specifics I could be on the lookout for, the specific reactions I’d had that could be linked to it, and how to move forward.
It could at least be a good start. Best of luck!
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together.
Have you tried being explicit? That might look like:
Hi Mom, I would like to try and improve our relationship. Are you interested in doing that with me?
I think I will do that. Maybe she’ll say yes!
Sigh. I hear this very deeply. I’m pushing 70; both parents died a few years back.
First, as you likely know, you’ve opened the door, but it’s up to her to walk through it. It may take more time leaving the door open; it may never happen. “It’s not you, it’s her.”
You mention sexual abuse in her past. I’ve lived with that with my current partner for many years. It’s always been a 600-lb gorilla nobody wants to talk about, because what is there to say? I know it can distort relationships in odd ways.
My mother and I also had teen angst issues. And she had other forms of trauma in her youth which informed our issues as mother & daughter. After years very low contact, she broached the issue when I was in my 50s, and she was mid-80s. But she did so in a place or at a time where honest, open discussion was impossible—in a very public venue, or at a time when we needed to leave for another obligation. So she both wanted to get it off her chest, and really didn’t want a discussion she couldn’t control completely.
By that point, I realized she’d done her best as a mother, and it wouldn’t benefit either of us to have her Go to Glory feeling like she’d screwed me up. She had—but there was no way to fix or repair the damage, nothing to be gained by rehashing shoulda, coulda, woulda. And she had done the best with the resources she had. So I said “okay.” And let it go.
Do you think she wants a relationship with you? Like it sucks beyond a doubt, but one of the hardest and most important lessons of my life has been that my ex father wants nothing to do with me. A relationship requires give and take and what you’re showing seems to be very much a display of her not wanting to spend time with you
>we’ve been no contact with my family on and off
>why doesn’t my family want to connect with me“Going no contact” ends relationships. I’ve noticed a lot of people will defend “going no contact” as a normal and healthy relationship tool because they’ve done it, erected massive walls of pain and mistrust in core relationships, and need the support of others with similar blockades to defend the disastrous results. I’ve seen it recommended as a response to bad table manners. The problem is you’re inflicting a death on someone while refusing them permission to grieve. There is a void in their life where a person used to be, but they can’t even come to terms with that and move on because the person might come back. It is the strongest possible ultimatum. Now, boundaries are healthy, and if a relationship is giving you more pain than support, it’s your prerogative to end it; that’s what “going no contact” usually does. If someone lets you back into their life after you’ve done that, you shouldn’t assume that they’ve forgotten what it was like to live without you.
