Fuck. Was I always supposed to be able to get to sleep inside of ten minutes? What do you mean my attention is supposed to be like a searchlight that follows my eyes, and I’m not supposed to look through things? Why are all these objects in a pile distinct entities? I thought I had to use the ‘search’ function to return random loot from the pile? Why aren’t these random background noises filling me with a steady, seething rage?
Yeah, I get it. The first few days of medication were incredibly eye-opening, and I had taken a shitload of stimulants before, mind you.
It felt like somebody had flipped the switch for the 5 billion whispers that were constantly talking in the background. It was honestly shocking. That was how neurotypical people experience life?
Now, the downside: I actually started to miss those whispers. They were my voice, after all, and they were not only distractions, but also my emotions, my creativity, my wit, my charm. It’s not that those things are all gone, but they are certainly subdued, muted.
So, whenever circumstances allow me to, I like to go back to my old, unmedicated self.
It’s known as “flattening”.