To my brain, nothing is worth pursuing or trying. “How can you guarantee that you’ll be alive to finish anything you start?” My brain asks. And it’s right. I can never make that guarantee.
It directs me to spoil myself with instant gratification because it knows I will still be alive to experience it. There’s no risk of working towards nothing. Don’t make goals. Don’t take risks. Embrace mediocrity. Do the bare minimum needed to survive. That way, you will never be disappointed.
I’m so tired of thinking like this. It started when I got a serious chronic illness that couldn’t be diagnosed. I always manage to survive for longer than I predict, and then I look back and notice that I have done nothing for the last 3 years.
I hope that I don’t continue to make the same mistake in response to Current Events™. I’m sure that falling for it again would be helpful to the exact people I really don’t want to be helping.
Thanks for sharing. There was a recent asklemmy post asking what one would change if we only had half a year to a year left. I found the only answer I could come up with was work hard on what matters. But your post makes me realize I already live like I’m going to die tomorrow. I think this started around covid for me when I was just bored inside and drank too much. Was hard to drop. I can see your post in myself wanting to game too long, stay up too late, eat too much, etc. It will be there tomorrow.
Maybe the take away is to plan and work like you only have a year but gratify yourself like you have until 100.
I’m glad you’re physically healthy after the scare.