Hell yeah, friend! My cute shows were Pokemon, MLP FiM, and Hamtaro! And I imagine myself getting all blushy and giggly if a girl kissed me. This whole stoicism thing is overrated; I want to be turned into a blubbering mess!

When people like us are brave enough to express themselves out in the open, that is how change happens. It is through our influence that we normalize and validate the existence of like-minded people and inspire them to stand up alongside us. By virtue of simply existing and interacting with others, we nudge society ever so slightly in the direction of acceptance.

The tenderness in your soul is something incredibly precious. It is the power to heal, the power to bring joy, and the power to create harmony. It is the power to touch hearts and change lives. Don’t ever let anyone ever convince you that it’s a weakness. It is the most valuable treasure one can ever possess.

I’m honored to have given you a little bit of the validation that you deserve. Differences are what make us interesting and memorable to others, and intolerant people don’t deserve the time of day. Once I stopped self-censoring to appease them, I was able to connect with so many more people. The benefits far outweighed the risks. I hope that you someday find the courage to express yourself in front of others too, if you haven’t already.

I used the word “manly” here as a shorthand for traditional masculinity, which I assumed was how it’s used colloquially; I don’t mean to assert that men are defined by traditional masculinity. My concern (more like blind superstition) is that a preference for many of those features (minus the misogyny) are biologically wired, and that having very few of these characteristics is inherently unattractive to most male-attracted people. It’s a fear that traditional masculinity is an inescapable standard and opting out leads to extreme difficulty in finding relationships. I asked this question because I want evidence that it’s safe to ignore gender roles entirely.

I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser

Funnily enough, I kind of was. I was raised by far right extremists whose beliefs were so obviously evil and cruel that I sought outside information through the Internet as a teen. Most of what I saw there was right-leaning, but far less openly bloodthirsty, so it was more palatable to me to consume. But because of this, I deeply internalized right-wing social constructs, including most of the lies about women that are used to justify misogyny and patriarchy.

This programming socially stunted me. I hated myself because I didn’t live up to masculine standards and I was bullied for it at home and school. I wasn’t interested in women because I was indoctrinated into believing they were helpless damsels who wanted to be controlled, which, especially seeing my parents’ abusive relationship, felt grossly exploitative to me. I decided to just lay low and be polite, accepting that I was inferior due to my lack of machismo.

Even though I avoided others and had no confidence, I still had people, mostly women, who wanted to reach out and get to know me. They praised the softer traits that I tried to hide, and I found myself admiring many of their tough and protective personality traits. That deprogrammed me from gender norms, but only for platonic connections. Whether or not it was safe to ditch gender norms for romantic connections was an open question for me. So getting helpful feedback to this question has helped boost my confidence on that a lot!

My brother, unfortunately, never challenged his programming. He tells me that all women are the same, they all want to be ruled over by men, and LGBTQ+ women are straight people in denial. A few weeks ago, he literally killed his girlfriend’s cat for “misbehaving.” Instead of breaking up, they just casually replaced the cat with a different one. So yeah, the people I grew up around are so unhinged that it radicalized me into becoming normal.

Alas, that’s a tough find given that I’m over 6 feet tall, but the idea of a shorter woman making herself taller to kiss my forehead (by standing on a step or stool) somehow became even more appealing to me lol.

The man who moved me most in life was a sensitive, artistic, nervous, sweetheart of a man, whom I doted on, had him sit on my lap while he cried, cuddled and kissed him until he felt better, called him sugary names (lamb, darling, sweetheart), pet him often, and just absolutely loved on him.

The fact that he was emotionally open and outright with his feelings was what had attracted me to him in the first place. I am absolutely not a “dominant” person, but my desire to protect and love him in this was something no other man even allowed me the opportunity to do.

I feel dizzy because you literally described the moments I desire to a T. The doting, the sugary nicknames, having a non-domineering woman in an empowered position of loving protection… I have never read anything that so precisely and succinctly captures the exact ideas that I worried were just my own.

Your comment is exactly what I have been looking for—solid evidence that what I desire deep down exists in the real world and can be created again. If I am to trust the anecdotal evidence in this thread, then that finally settles it for me. Relationships just like the one I desire are out there. Women who are compatible with me are out there. I just need to get out and find one.

Thank you. This is one of the most reassuring things I have ever read.

Thanks for your support, and I’m glad I could help! I wish I could have read posts from unabashedly soft guys when I was still struggling with my masculinity, so I’m happy that I could help someone else in a similar way.

A little bit about my journey:

Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me.

These were the people who changed my life. I used to hide my personality out of shame, and they saw right through me. They called out my tenderness and basically said, “Hey, I love this side of you and I want to see more of it.” I couldn’t believe that people could wholeheartedly like something that I was told was my biggest weakness for my whole life.

But one of these friends explained to me that this “weakness” was nothing more than hateful messaging perpetuated by miserable people. She showed me just how much people around me, herself included, loved the very aspects of myself that I was insecure about. The evidence became so overwhelming that I finally accepted that I had been lied to for my entire life. My oppressive belief system had sustained fatal damage and finally began to collapse.

Those miserable people were my own family members. I was a victim of their abuse and indoctrination since childhood. These women were the heroes who kept me from going down the dark path my family had forged for me. I can’t even begin to describe just how much I was able to heal as a result of their actions. It has been utterly transformative for me. Their influence may be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I hope that you’re able to find friends who affirm your identity, too. Friends who see aspects of you that you worry others won’t like and respond with love and encouragement. That was the most powerful thing for me.

I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way…

Lmao, I got called a little brother by a friend too!

She literally changed my life by helping me work through my past struggles with gender expectations and trust issues, so she was definitely a mentor figure for me at the time. The reason I can proudly share my desire to be a cute guy is directly thanks to her. She showed me that people truly liked me for who I was, even if I was a bit different. It turns out that what made me different was exactly what she liked about me the most. After all, the first thing she ever said to me was, “Oh my god, you’re adorable!”

I’m so happy that it worked out for you! Your story is relatable to me and gives me hope.

For me, it boils down to someone who’s nurturing and physically affectionate. I envision a relationship that’s cuddly and caring on both sides.

I probably could have phrased my original question better. I don’t care about being “sexually desirable” to as many women as possible; I only care about being desirable to enough people that finding someone to start a relationship with is a practical possibility. This post is about my lack of understanding of how sexual attraction fundamentally works. I’m essentially asking if sexual attraction is highly polarized—targeting either strong masculine or strong feminine presentations—with minimal reaction to more androgynous presentations.

I’ve heard that’s called aesthetic attraction! I experience that too.

I’m attracted to gentle and caring personalities, and I’ve found that I am most aesthetically attracted to soft, rounded features, seemingly because I subconsciously associate them with kindness and approachability, regardless how true that actually is.

I think it’s really fascinating how my aesthetic attraction seems to have taken input from my emotional attraction without me even being consciously aware of it. The more I learn about myself, the more it seems like my brain was orchestrating a plan to create a specific kind of relationship, and all of my attractions and even my own gender expression were coordinating to make it real.

I used to think it required an emotional connection for most people to find someone else “hot,” because that’s how I work. But it turns out that I’m in a small minority.

That sounds lovely and quite close to the vibe I’m looking for! Thanks so much!

Emotionally, yes, but financially, I don’t have the means to move out yet. I have health problems and disabilities that make it difficult to get a job, so I don’t yet know the timeline or feasibility of making it out on my own.

I’m not planning on dating until I have a better idea of what the future looks like, but I decided to ask about this stuff now just because the question has been bouncing around in the back of my head for a while and I figured that people here might have similar experiences.

To some degree, yes, but there’s probably a level of adaptation I could make without losing myself in the process. At the same time, it’s frustrating to have to sacrifice some of what makes you unique because you’re too radical for wider society. It’s quite the dilemma, and one that I’ve seen popping up again and again as I’ve increasingly diverged from the mainstream on multiple fronts.

Wow, that felt like the craziest and least relatable part that I wrote, lol. Though maybe I didn’t fully elaborate: Kisses are the main event and literally THE most sexually exciting thing for me. But I also want sexual contact; it’s just secondary and assists in the experience. And “real sex,” the kind that people use contraception for, feels like a liability. I’m sure that other forms of sexual contact would work to supplement the kissing without the risks.

I don’t care about sex on its own (unless it’s a very naughty form of kissing) because it feels like a routine that everyone does. But with kissing, it’s very personal: your partner is right in your face showering you with love in their own unique way, and they can be as creative and expressive as they want. That’s a big reason why I find kisses to be sexier than sex, lol.

Thanks, and congrats on your wonderful relationship!

Yeah, I think this label probably fits me best! I’ve read that it can refer to attraction based on specific conditions, and mine seems to be conditional on physical affection, real or imagined.

I did! It was nice to read about other people with similar experiences to me, but I also realized that I don’t entirely fit the label. I don’t need a strong emotional connection to feel physical attraction; I just need to be shown affection, which can happen way sooner than it takes to develop a relationship. Though, I bet my attraction would increase as the relationship develops.

So you could consider me demi-adjacent, but I’m careful not to box myself into that label. My attraction to affection may give me many things in common with demisexual people, but it’s also not the full story. They’re cool though, and if there was a place where I could meet lots of single demi people, I would definitely consider looking there!

https://takeout.google.com/

That’s what I was thinking, too. Spending so much time on the Internet and observing the consequences ultimately radicalized me against it in a way that more casual usage probably wouldn’t have.

The chances of someone as weird as me coming along and convincing me to quit doomscrolling was probably pretty low, lol. So maybe this was exactly what I needed to do!

Definitely. That’s part of why I’m quitting!

More than just being more productive, I think questioning modern society has put me on track to have a pretty good life in spite of everything. I feel like I understand what truly matters now, and that’s something that will guide me for the rest of my days.

It’s going to be hard to relate to all of the people who are constantly glued to their phones, but I’m still better off not being one of them.

I can’t wait to live in the real world.

Thanks! Though it’s worth noting that I tend to exaggerate. During that 3-year period, I actually did do some long-term projects and kept my attention on them; I just wasn’t satisfied with the overall impact of them on my life because I was playing things way too safe.

This post is basically me taking a common self-defeating pattern I exhibit and calling it out as silly, perhaps to better help me recognize and challenge it within myself. It is one of the final things holding me back from ditching the dopamine machine and returning to the real world.

I was doing good for the past couple of days, but recently, I had a relapse. My brain’s excuse was: “If you go cold turkey, you might never get to experience these feelings ever again, since you could die before forming the relationship required to feel them legitimately.”

It sounded compelling on its face, but then I realized that all of the time I spend indulging myself in various ways eliminates time that I could be spending on pursuing real connections. Using technology to partially fill the void was consuming all of the time that I could have spent actually filling said void. That’s what inspired me to make this post—recognizing just how counterproductive that mentality really was.