Posting this because I can’t really talk to my family or whatever. I have one main friend but I don’t think she cares on a deeper level so it always just feels like I’m alone. Who do you guys turn to for help? It’s always been a struggle for me, it’s like no one is really there. It feels like I’m living the same day over and over again and I’m not contempt with my own thoughts and it’s hard for me to get over it. I’m not sure if I’m just depressed and I’m so good at hiding it or I’m just so numb to everything. I forget so much of my past and it’s so hard for me to sit with myself and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. I just lost something so good in my life because I made a big mistake and that’s also something I won’t get over. I can’t win things back and it’s sad to accept reality of things. Sorry for this depressing as post but I don’t have anyone to really talk to
I love him, but we have three other kids (one of whom is autistic with severe anxiety) and jobs and parents and siblings. And he just wants to talk about how hopeless everything is or how his anxiety attacks are actually heart issues that no one is willing to take seriously to detect the problem, or he literally won’t talk at all and just wants someone on the phone in case he suddenly dies. (He’s had physical workups several times and nothing is found, but the reality is everyone has to go sometime and sometimes it’s a freak thing. That’s just life.)
It’s fucking exhausting and there just isn’t enough to give no matter how hard we try. Even when we are literally killing ourselves or getting reamed by bosses because of the constant calls at work or having to go get our 15 year old out of school at least one a week, it’s not enough.
I’m going to be honest, I’m only fifty and I’m not afraid of death because it will be a fucking relief some day, and everyone can just find a way to fucking deal without us.
Anyway that’s my rant. I’m sorry about your brother. One thing I can see with my own eyes is that sometimes it’s hardest on the person who can keep their shit together and has to because it’s always chaos and there just isn’t room for anyone else to fall apart EVER. So mate, I hope that isn’t you. And if it is I hope you recognize that you need help too and that’s okay. No one gets a free ride in life. We all have shit to deal with, however well we keep it together for others. Good luck!
I’m gonna save this to reply on the computer, hard to read and reply on mobile!