Met a 22 yo in a group I am involved in, she asked if I wanted a lift to a meeting, there and back. I don’t know her very well but she’s young a lot younger than me by 10years.
So talking on the way back she mentions antidepressants, I too take anti depressants, the conversation moves towards SSRIs and sex. I panic because that shit makes me supper uncomfortable, she said some stuff that was a blatant hint. Anyway me and her have activity later in the week for the group we’re in, she’s invited me out for a drink after and being friendly and uncomfortable I said yea sure.
How best to proceed? I don’t want things to be weird and our group get weird as a result. I wish I could set boundaries.
Worth mentioning I have crazy anxiety so don’t judge too hard I mostly run on auto pilot in those situations.
Best to talk to her before anything else and explain that you’re flattered, but not interested. Don’t lead her on.
Oooor, don’t shut everyone and everything out and maybe give it a try? They are both adults nej?
OP has directly stated that they are uncomfortable with the situation. This isn’t even getting into analysis of social power dynamics yet, OP is uninterested, full stop.
Why are you people so invested in OP having sex he doesn’t want to have with a woman ten years his junior in a way that’s clearly not transparent about intentions?
Are you Swedish?
No? On the post, OP cites how she’s 10 years younger than him, making her 12. That’s a huge age gap in that phase of life. Op should just tell her straight away that he doesn’t want to lead her on and that they shouldn’t be going out for now, obviously saying it in a way not to hurt her feelings (which she may not have, but better be safe than sorry especially due to her taking antidepressants)
Op, if you need some other help don’t worry to ask
Read it this way at first too but no - she is 22 and 10 years younger than OP, so OP is 32.
When I was 3 years old, my sister was twice my age. Now my sister is 33, how old am I?
16
66
30
Since this is Lemmy and we’re all ubernerds, maybe add compound interest to the problem or something.
6
Oh, my bad, thx for the correction. Though the problem remains if OP feels anxious about the situation
Oh, totally. It’s just not as bad as you thought
She’s 22
Cheers for the laugh.
Bro… this is a fucking wild comment I hope it’s satirical.
It depends. In which month(s) are your and your sister’s birthdays? Also, when was the first measurement taken? When is the current measurement taken?
This is probably the best approach. I’m a bit of a people pleaser which doesn’t help in these situations, I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance 😂
I’m proud of you for having the self-awareness to recognise your avoidant instincts and taking steps to counter that (i.e. by asking for advice from people). That might not feel like a victory, given that you were hoping people would give you “permission” to lean into the avoidance, but I’m familiar with the kind of hope you describe: it’s a shameful kind of hope, because deep down, you know that people aren’t going to advise you to ghost her, and that indulging your avoidant instincts probably aren’t productive — the shame comes from the tension between knowing what you should do, and your wish to instead take the avoidant path, which I imagine has served you well over the years as a go-to coping strategy, albeit a maladaptive one.
The tension between who we feel capable of being vs. who we’d like to be is quite uncomfortable, but it certainly shouldn’t be shameful. Building up healthier skills and habits is a marathon, and it does not require perfection. I hope that you are able to find the strength to take the approach that you understand to be the best, even though that will mean defying your instincts. It will feel clunky, and uncomfortable, but that’s just the discomfort of growth.
I hope you’re able to recognise that asking for advice here isn’t a sign of failure, but a show of your strong resolve to improve — I’ve found that asking for advice when we already low-key know the correct approach is a way of holding ourselves accountable: you want to communicate clearly and healthily; you also want to curl up so small that you can hide from this girl rather than talking to her. This conflict exists because for whatever reason, you’ve recognised that your people pleasing tendencies don’t serve you or the people in your life very well. Regardless of how you proceed from here, I’m proud of the steps you’ve already taken to improve yourself. I say this as someone else who had to learn these skills as an adult due to messy family stuff. It’s bloody awkward, and stressful, and it takes a long time; that’s why recognising the small steps forward is good
I know, it sucks, haha. However, the longer you put this off the more invested she will be, so it’s absolutely important to make clear boundaries as soon as you can, without crushing her ego.
Good luck!
Thank you comrade.
No problem comrade!
If you are open to friendship with this person, then you could still go for a drink. It can be nice to have someone who has experienced similar negative things to talk to.