Met a 22 yo in a group I am involved in, she asked if I wanted a lift to a meeting, there and back. I don’t know her very well but she’s young a lot younger than me by 10years.
So talking on the way back she mentions antidepressants, I too take anti depressants, the conversation moves towards SSRIs and sex. I panic because that shit makes me supper uncomfortable, she said some stuff that was a blatant hint. Anyway me and her have activity later in the week for the group we’re in, she’s invited me out for a drink after and being friendly and uncomfortable I said yea sure.
How best to proceed? I don’t want things to be weird and our group get weird as a result. I wish I could set boundaries.
Worth mentioning I have crazy anxiety so don’t judge too hard I mostly run on auto pilot in those situations.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like she’s a straight forward and direct person, which is good. Just be straight forward and direct (but tactful) with her. Something like, “I’m sorry, I think I misunderstood the situation. I’d like to hang out as friends, but I’m not looking for anything more.” Optionally, “We can have that drink if it’s just as friends, but I’m not going to lead you on if you want something more.”
Be honest with her and expose things clearly, tactfully, and not bluntly. Tell her that you find her amazing but that that the only thing you can offer right now is friendship.
As for the age: (n/2)+7 is a suggestion, not a law. Take things on a case to case basis and a day at a time. I’m gonna turn 40 in march and would need a great amount of rapport with someone younger than 30 or older than 45 to be interested and have the energy to make it work on a long term.
First: as someone with a strong evangelical Christian background, I can sympathize with discussions about sex–and specifically about your sex life–being deeply uncomfortable. Unfortunately, that’s something that you’re going to have to discuss with any potential romantic partner, and sooner rather than later. (Because let me tell you, significant differences in sex drive and desire will tank every and any relationship).
Second: Drinks are not necessarily a commitment to anything more. I would prefer coffee (or tea) as a first date since it’s even lower pressure, but many people prefer alcohol because it’s a social lubricant. Your call there. My suggestion would be to start by getting to know the person. I’m autistic (seriously), and IMO the most honest approach is to be direct, despite how hard it is when you want to please people. Yes, being a people pleaser means that you’re going to want to tell her what you think she wants to hear, rather than what you really feel, and that will bite you in the ass, repeatedly. And yeah, anxiety and things like rejection sensitive dysphoria are going to make that exceptionally hard.
Third: you said that she was a ride to a meeting; can you elaborate on what kind of meeting? I’m asking because if this is someone that you’re going to have to see in a professional setting, you do need to proceed very carefully. Workplace relationships–or relationship rejections–can be very fraught.
Last: I’m not as immediately opposed to age gaps in relationships as some people. I do generally think that the (n/2)+7 rule is a decent rule of thumb, but it’s not an absolute. The reason that rule generally exists, IMO, is that people in different generations have different cultural markers, things that were significant in the formation of their personality and worldview, and large differences there can make relationships more challenging. E.g., if you remember 11 September '01 and the political fallout, while she grew up fully immersed in the prevailing political climate, then it might be hard to see eye to eye on some things. There can also be imbalances of maturity and power that can result from larger age differences, e.g., you might be much more set both professionally and financially, which could make the relationship less equal. So it’s something to be aware of and careful about.
For me I grew up in a hyper sexualized house hold and Catholic too but I now have unhealthy ideas around sex, mostly embarrassment. So when its brought up by someone I have little connection to I go into an almost shut down mode. With sexual partners I have had little to no issue but it does make dating very difficult. I am with her tomorrow and will make it clear that I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship.
Best to talk to her before anything else and explain that you’re flattered, but not interested. Don’t lead her on.
Oooor, don’t shut everyone and everything out and maybe give it a try? They are both adults nej?
OP has directly stated that they are uncomfortable with the situation. This isn’t even getting into analysis of social power dynamics yet, OP is uninterested, full stop.
Why are you people so invested in OP having sex he doesn’t want to have with a woman ten years his junior in a way that’s clearly not transparent about intentions?
Are you Swedish?
No? On the post, OP cites how she’s 10 years younger than him, making her 12. That’s a huge age gap in that phase of life. Op should just tell her straight away that he doesn’t want to lead her on and that they shouldn’t be going out for now, obviously saying it in a way not to hurt her feelings (which she may not have, but better be safe than sorry especially due to her taking antidepressants)
Op, if you need some other help don’t worry to ask
OP cites how she’s 10 years younger than him, making her 12
Read it this way at first too but no - she is 22 and 10 years younger than OP, so OP is 32.
When I was 3 years old, my sister was twice my age. Now my sister is 33, how old am I?
16
66
30
Since this is Lemmy and we’re all ubernerds, maybe add compound interest to the problem or something.
6
Oh, my bad, thx for the correction. Though the problem remains if OP feels anxious about the situation
Oh, totally. It’s just not as bad as you thought
She’s 22
Cheers for the laugh.
Bro… this is a fucking wild comment I hope it’s satirical.
It depends. In which month(s) are your and your sister’s birthdays? Also, when was the first measurement taken? When is the current measurement taken?
This is probably the best approach. I’m a bit of a people pleaser which doesn’t help in these situations, I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance 😂
I know, it sucks, haha. However, the longer you put this off the more invested she will be, so it’s absolutely important to make clear boundaries as soon as you can, without crushing her ego.
Good luck!
Thank you comrade.
No problem comrade!
If you are open to friendship with this person, then you could still go for a drink. It can be nice to have someone who has experienced similar negative things to talk to.
It sounds like you two share some traits, so it seems like being honest about your feelings might be somewhat low risk. If you both have depression and some form or anxiety, she might be having similar feelings. It could be that, while you go along as a coping mechanism, she blurts out what she’s thinking to the same end.
In the end, if you value your relationship with her, honestly is always the best policy.
“Hey, I was wondering if you could help me figure something out. I was really flattered by your invite the other day, but I’m not interested in dating right now. I enjoy your friendship and I don’t want to jeopardize it. Is there a way we can comfortably set boundaries without ruining that?”
IMO this way you let them know you’re interested in maintaining a relationship but at a friendship level. You demonstrate that you care about their feelings while clearly establishing the need for specific boundaries.
This reads very well!
I think starting the statement as a request for help in the analysis really works.
If you’re totally uninterested, independently of potential awkwardness, I’d basically explain as much. “I think you’re cool and we have a lot in common, but I’ve been thinking and realized I might not be comfortable with the age difference and potentially changing the group dynamic.”
If it’s purely the potential external consequences that have you ready to cut off the possibility, and you could actually see yourself in a relationship with them, I’d say you could mention that concern, but don’t let it make the decision for you. Sounds like this is someone likely to understand social anxiety and who also values the group dynamic, so I doubt they’d react super negatively to mentioning that you want to be careful about that and preserve it while seeing if there’s more there between the two of you.
Cheers, I don’t think I am cut out for someone that young, discovering the world and figuring themselves out. But yea I think you and cowbee are correct in I need a dialogue, I will bring it up when where doing some activity.
I can relate to what I’m hearing from you. All I can say is that you’ll just have to bite the bullet and have the awkward situation now or have it be twice as bad later.
You could call her and have a conversation and say that you aren’t interested in dating, that you don’t want to give her the wrong idea, but you can be friends. (At 32/2+7=23, it’s outside of what is generally considered an acceptable age gap.)
The lower limit is half your age plus seven, so if you’re 32 years old then it makes sense to feel uncomfortable. Are you even attracted to her?
No not attracted. Awesome human being and glad to have her in the group but beyond guidance and comradory I have no interest.
Well that’s that. If she tries to make it more than friends hanging out, then just politely decline.
Half your age plus seven doesn’t work a lot of the time. I’m 39, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone who’s even 32, they are baby. Not happening, no way. Likewise, even 46 is too old for me.
Then again, anecdote isn’t data, and DiCaprio effectively cancels me out, so whatever.
What the fuck are you talking about xD The amount of narrow-mindedness is off the charts here
If you personally prefer to date within a narrower age range that’s fine. A lower limit of half your age plus seven (and the corresponding upper limit of your age minus seven times two) is just a reasonable guideline as to whether or not a couple has a socially appropriate age gap.
I’m getting downvoted, but it’s an honest statement and I stand by it.
Don’t worry about the downvotes, there’s some real fucking creeps here on lemmy. I saw a thread full of guys telling another user not to worry about their middle aged dad being with a literal teenager a week or two ago.
Down votes aren’t real on here so don’t worry about it. For what it’s worth, it wasn’t me.
But seriously though, DiCaprio freaks me out, Trump freaks me out for the same reason, among others.
I mean, what’s wrong with dating one’s age?
I don’t wanna be dating someone half my age, then I die. That just seems cruel.
You dont want to be judged for your preferences but at the same time you judge others for theirs. Thats whats wrong, not your preference itself.
I thought that DiCaprio was dating outside of the range I described. There’s nothing wrong with dating your own age. Likewise I don’t think there’s anything automatically wrong with dating within a wide age range. I think there’s such a thing a too wide of an age range and the formula I explained seems to define those limits well.
Please feel free to tell me you don’t feel comfortable discussing the subject, since you already mentioned it makes you super uncomfortable and I apologize because I don’t mean to do that, or maybe someone else can answer it but what’s the connection there between SSRIs and sex?
I’ve never been on antidepressants or SSRIs so I have no idea. Does it amplify the experience or something?
God no. Quite the opposite. SSRIs tend to seriously blunt sexual response. The most common effect is sharply delayed orgasms, but it can cause near total anorgasmia, and/or difficultly with sexual arousal at all. Sexual dysfunction and weight gain are the two most common side effects of SSRIs.
SSRIs have been known to decrease libido in some, sometimes severely, even after discontinuing the medication
Thanks! That’s what I expected but makes the interaction make less sense to me.
Give her a bang once so you can be comfortable and friends after.
Are you illiterate? He doesn’t want to do that, and besides, it’d be a shitty thing to do to her.
Flip the genders and say that again
I don’t see why flipping the genders makes that more obviously wrong.
It doesn’t, but some people need that perspective. In some parts of society, men are treated as beings who always want sex regardless of any circumstance, regardless of whether it’s true or not.
Just imagine middle school idiology extended to adulthood
I can see that, but surely it still comes across as worse with the man being older and the woman younger?
Yeah, that’s yet another societal woe unfortunately
