I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
He’s like the only good thing in my life. I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
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Man, I’m not even old, but reading this post makes me feel old. And I’m certainly on the younger side of the spectrum for those who use Lemmy
There’s a lot of things to unpack here, so it makes sense for me to just list them out:
- your boyfriend seems to have some manosphere-esque tendencies. To me, it seems like it’ll be important for you to talk about this with him. The manosphere teaches young men about false truths and causes them to interpret the world in unusual, misogynistic ways. I don’t currently see any indication that he’s solidly in the manosphere, but it sounds like he may be influenced by it. It will be important for him to acknowledge and refute those influences if he plans to have any form of satisfactory long-term relationship.
- it’s not your fault for receiving unsolicited sexual messages. Both you and your boyfriend will need to acknowledge that fact.
- building on the previous point, getting sent an unsolicited sexual message does not and should not damage your relationship with your boyfriend. It’s not like you cheated or broke his trust. It sounds like he may have some unclear expectations for you that are impossible to meet. I would guess that it ties back to the first point about him being influenced by the manosphere. In any case, this seems important to bring up to him.
- it is definitely your fault for sending false nudes to other people. If/when you are approached with an offer that you don’t like, the appropriate response is to say no, not to scam the other person.
- it may not be your fault for getting unsolicited messages, but from a purely practical perspective, there are certain things that you can do that either encourage or discourage that sort of behavior. It sounds like you perform some sort of gig that tends to encourage this behavior. If you do not wish to get these sorts of messages, it would be a good idea to reconsider whether you should continue doing this gig
- it’s important to learn, truly learn, that a relationship partner is someone who adds on to your life, not someone who completes your life. If you believe that your boyfriend is the only good thing in your life, I would recommend that you consider that this opens you up for exploitation or abuse, either intentionally or unintentionally. It sounds like you are affirming his manosphere-esque tendencies instead of calling him out on it. This will lead to greater strife and friction in the future
I’m an older Gex X guy, so ignore me but im just like wtf even is this ?
Taking all of this at face value, I would suggest being more honest though, saves this pain longer term. I have never asked a woman how much dick she has taken, why is that even a question ? And who cares ? That said, I am not in the know but I expect like a Chef etc, a decent amount of experience makes you better.
As to guys giving you money and then sending dick pics… so what ?
Your whole story makes me kinda sad or at the very least uneasy, if I’m being honest. I’m guessing you’re pretty young, like gen Z. And if things are like this in general now for people growing up online, I dunno. I feel bad that you’ve grown up this way and this is your experience of men and relationships and shit. Although I guess I already saw signs that things were partly this way when I was younger too, going by what I heard from certain people I used to talk to.
This guy sounds insecure and kinda mean if I’m being honest. And from my perspective, the obsession with body count gives me suspicions of red pill ideology. I hope that you eventually meet someone that doesn’t even ask questions like that.
he doesn’t really care for that. He just didn’t like how I gave him a fake number at first. We were on the call the whole time when he asked and I cried and told him I had to tell him the truth and then said it. I told him two days ago I couldn’t even remember 15 if it’s the right amount or not and that it could be more but he said he sees it as more sad that I didn’t see my self worth at that time. What’s red pill ideology?
Well for someone that cares so much about your feelings of self worth, he sure seems to be putting you through a hard time here. Although also, I don’t really know anyone in this situation and here on the internet we’ll always arrive with our pitchforks out. So I hope your assessment of the situation is right.
Red pill ideology is basically ‘manosphere’ shit. Where they talk about “high value women” that can carry their babies and gender roles and shit. Like Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson and shit.
What the fuck have I just read 🫨?
Let me summarize:
“Gen Z was a mistake”
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What’s the question? You should edit it or your post will most likely get removed.
Skimming your post you seem to be 100% open with your bf except for lowering your body count. But honestly I don’t think that is bad of you because what sort of shrewd person asks this question? It seems he wants you to be something you are not and that’s not what you deserve honestly… I’m sorry that he hurt you.
It’s so gross to even care about someone’s past sexual encounters. He’s not a good guy, he’s a ‘good guy.’
Exactly! I only understand this in a Protestant purity culture society otherwise it’s insane
I told him my body count was 5 initially when it’s really like 18 or something. It’s so hard to remember because I did it all to fill this dumb ass void I had inside of me. Fuck if I know, maybe it’s a bit more. I genuinely don’t know. All I know is that I don’t have any STDs because I always got tested. I hate when that question came up because it opens a dark path from my life. He’s scared he won’t be able to trust me again.
Girl, I am saying this with so much love and compassion for you- any person who is worried about body count is not worth your time. Him asking alone would be enough of a red flag for me that I would be telling him we’re done if I were in your shoes. And then when he hears 5, he is sobbing? Massive red flag, I don’t care how nice he may seem, he is not mature enough to be in a relationship and you deserve better.
Sex is just a thing that two consenting adults can do, you having sex before you met him is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you are practicing safe sex. It’s also pretty unhealthy for you to take on the burden of his shame over your sexual life. If you were able to get him to come back, I fear his jealousy and insecurity would be riddled throughout your relationship. I spent all of my 20’s in relationships with insecure men (I am a cishet woman) and I want to try to advise you against making a similar mistake. I could have been enjoying those ten years either on my own, or trying to find someone who really valued me. But instead I took on their problems and when I look back on my twenties I SO FUCKING WISH I had broken up with those men sooner (it was 2 long term relationships, one was 6 years, the other was ~3.5 years). I don’t know how old you are, but I get a young vibe and I just want you to know that you will find someone who sees your beauty and isn’t worried about such trivial things. “Forced love the worst love, throw that shit in the can.” -a line from YBN Cordae’s song Family Matters https://youtu.be/j8Xg0Y60Tr4
As for messaging people for money and some of the concerns about breaking his trust (as well as being accosted by online horndogs), the best you can do is learn from that outcome. I am not going to shit on people who sell companionship, whether that’s just chatting, pics, or otherwise, but as you have found, men online who engage in this trade are dick pic machines. My personal takeaway is that whatever money you made was not worth the stress and the damage it wrought in your personal life. I won’t, and can’t, tell you not to do it, but to me it doesn’t seem worth it.
Take care of yourself first and foremost, and know your value 💖
Sounds like this dude, consciously or subconsciously, can’t get over the fact that he sees OP as “his”, and he doesn’t like the idea of sharing her with people from the past. Depending on how old you are, 5 isn’t even that much for a body count, so i agree, him freaking out over that is a red flag. 18 is definitely more, but again, thats all dependent on how much you tie emotions to sex. Some people need a long emotional connection before they have sex, some don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with either. But being upset with how someone choose to use their body before they were dating you is childish and possessive IMHO.
If you like the guy, then you like him, but it sounds like a long distance relationship with someone too insecure and controlling to be in a mature long distance relationship. Lying is bad, crossing boundaries you two have set is bad, don’t do those things. But taking people’s money for talking on the internet causes no harm. Getting dick pics sucks, and I’m sorry you had to go through that, but if your BF blames you for that, he’s an idiot. Unless you said “please show me a picture of your penis”, nothing you did caused dudes to take pictures of their junk and send them unsolicited to strangers on the internet.
I’m not my wife’s first. Not the biggest dick she’s had. Nor any of the usual male ego things. But she loves me more than any of the others and that’s the only important thing.
Plus any time I’ve wanted to do anything kinky she has been game and we’ve had a lot of cool experiences together she hasn’t had with anyone else.
You sound really young (at least compared to my fifty) and I hope some day you and your partner can both be comfortable with each other. There’s nothing shameful about how many partners you’ve had.
Thanks for this comment. I’m glad you are your wife are super comfortable and I’m happy you guys are happy with each other :). I am young, I turn 22 in August and he just turned 23 in march. I do have experience as I was in a relationship of 3 years a couple years ago but I was so young. I started dating in grade 9 and he was in grade 12. That relationship destroyed me because I never learned to love myself and I feel like that relationship made everything worse.
But what about the mistakes I made with the older men sending me money. That’s what he can’t get over. He said it’s a big issue that I didn’t tell him the first guy sent me disgusting pictures/video and that I gave my Instagram for someone to send me money. I never thought much of it. I was just going to give it, send my GoFundMe link (my bf said only GoFundMe link was okay) and then block them but they just sent me a photo out of nowhere, I blocked and told my boyfriend how bad I felt and sorry. That’s when I told him the first guy sent something too. I just didn’t find a point in saying it before because I didn’t ask nor wanna see that nasty shit.
Maybe I’m not understanding something but it sounds like you got sent unsolicited dick pics. That’s not your fault. There’s not one damn thing to feel guilty about there.
Yeah, you’re playing with fire there and you ought to know that but you have nothing to feel bad about, and he has nothing to be angry with you over unless he thinks you arranged that in purpose. If not, no harm no foul.
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If this was all before him what is the problem. He asked you a bad question and you downplayed it and lied then told the truth and apologized(?). Is he a little Protestant boy?
No he never hurt me. He doesn’t care about my body count he said he just finds it upset that I didn’t see myself worth more than what he see’s. I was the asshole for texting people for money. I never wanted to see their fucking dicks I just wanted money and I did stupid things for money. I don’t know how to win him back. I texted him more but he hasn’t responded yet. It’s honestly eating me up alive. I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that. I just wish I can rewind the clock. I have been open to him with everything, I just didn’t tell him about that one first guy sending me stuff because I didn’t think he would care or how he would feel as I only did it for money. I see everything clearly now and I don’t know what to do. He’s all I have and he’s all I care for. I don’t want to talk to anyone else
I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that.
It takes years to really understand another person’s trauma.
I suspect that this trauma is what’s making you feel so bad now, and the guy in question is just the conduit. Consult a therapist who specializes in both medication and talk therapy.
Why did he have sex with me and cuddle and all, and then the next day everything hit him and he wanted to end it . I’m going feral over this and I can’t sit on it. I wanna cry. I self harmed the other day after not doing it for years because I felt so bad for hurting him. I hate that he thinks I’ll unintentionally hurt him again.
HE hurt YOU. My heart breaks for you. He is immature and not worth your time, block him and move on with your life. It may be hard to see right now, but someone who makes you feel so terrible is not the person for you. I get the feeling that you want to be in a relationship more than you care about who that relationship is with. That is a dangerous, emotionally draining road that I want so badly for you not to go down.
You have value, you are beautiful inside and out, and love starts with you celebrating that within yourself.
But I did so many bad things :( I can’t bear to process it and it’s eating me up. I hurt him so much when they sent me pictures. I know I didn’t ask for it but it’s partially my fault for even texting them in the first place. I feel like an asshole
First, internet hugs 🫂
I can tell you are beating yourself up, I have the same tendency and know how easy it can be to slip into a spiral. Try to remind yourself that you are only human and to give yourself some grace ♥️
Now, please believe me when I say he is wrong to hold you accountable for the actions of others, especially since you both had talked about your intentions and he expressed that he was fine with it. The part he seemed most upset about was the pics, which is something you DID NOT solicit and is not a failing of yours.
You really, truly didn’t do anything too bad. You wanted to engage in conversations for cash, spoke with him about it, he was fine with it, and people outside of your control spun things up. It seems to me that when things happened that crossed the boundary that you both had set for this scenario, that you did the right thing and disengaged with the other person. If he still insists on holding you responsible, then he is a fool and not worth your energy.
I recognize that the feelings you have are strong, but I challenge you to try directing all that love that you have to give inward, to yourself. Treat yourself to a spa day today, get a nice lil treat, if you have a garden, either yours or a community garden, go and try to appreciate the spring blooms! The viburnum are blooming in my area and their perfume is so lovely. I can just sit there and listen to the bees hum along. Find some serenity for yourself and remind yourself that you are a worthy human being ❤️
Thank you. I don’t know how to stop beating myself over it. It’s been 4 days and this guilt inside me is eating me up. I feel like a bad person and that I broke someone I care about so much. I can’t believe he wants to end it over this. We are texting about our feelings and opinions right now but I’m still devastated. For some weird part, I’m kind of glad he hurted me at the end when I wanted to talk but he wanted to do sexual stuff because I feel used, maybe part of me thinks I’ll move past it quicker because of this? I’ve been used all my life, I’m kind of used to this feeling now. He knew everything about the old men, he just didn’t know up until 4 days ago that the first guy sent me dick pics and stuff and trust me, it traumatized me where I was physically gagging and saying ew. The most recent guy asked me for my Instagram and then he would help me so I gave it with no thought and sent the go fund me link and he asked for photos, said check my Instagram cuz I won’t send any (in respect to my bf) and he immediately sent me a dick picture. That’s where he got upset. That I didn’t tell him about the first guy sending stuff (but he knew that I was sending fake nudes so part of me thought he’d expect something to be sent as I was fake flirting for money)
After that happened I said no more sexual and that the second guy was actually just to talk and he actually sent me money, that’s where he told me he didn’t want me doing it unless it’s through GoFundMe. That’s why I didn’t think much of giving my Instagram. I was dumb. I made a mistake.
I just feel like a liar in some way? I have always been open and honest to him and I’ve told him so many things that no one knows. When I went out with my friend and her boyfriend and his roommate was going to be there, I even let him know that and asked if he was going to be okay with it. I told my friend if he wasn’t then I wasn’t going to go. I would never want to do anything to hurt him.
I self harmed the other day after not doing it for years because I felt so bad for hurting him.
Please walk away from this man before he has you doing this to yourself again. Please, for the love all that is holy, please.
Doing things for others almost never causes a real change in behavior. You must want to change yourself for yourself, not for your boyfriend. That will actually change your behavior. Otherwise, you will find yourself engaging in the same behavior soon enough.
I personally, honestly think you should just become more comfortable with yourself and then find someone who is comfortable with who you are. It hurts, but the pain will pass. When you find someone more compatible with you, you will have to not worry about being who you are bothering them. You will safe in being completely honest about who you are, and knowing they accept you for who you are, without judgment for body count or getting paid for sexting.
Also, I personally wouldn’t have any issues with any of these things if I was dating someone. A “body count” is a silly thing to care about (10? 20? 100? Who cares?) and being paid for sexting is labor because sex work is work. Go out and find someone with similar attitudes who isn’t bothered by such things and cares about you for who you are. I promise you those people are out there.
To me it sounds like renting out your time to random guys on the internet is not a good idea for yourself or your relationship. I know it’s work you can do at home but I would highly suggest you stop doing it. If you need money is a conventional job an option, like Costco or Wegmans or something?
Yes I am aware of that now after he told me he was uncomfortable with it. I understand his perspective 10000%… I stopped and the mistake I made was giving a guy my Instagram cuz he said he would sent me money but sent me a dick pic. And not telling my boyfriend the first guy sent me graphic content too and I was traumatized from it
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But ur not reading the part where I texted old men for money? I am so mad at myself. I ruined him and us. I genuinely can’t stop crying. I’m trying to win him back. He doesn’t care about body count anymore. I never once asked that question to anyone in my life either because I don’t judge people on their past. He’s just not happy that I lied about them sending sexual stuff but I never wanted that. I told him about the most recent one but I never said the first guy sent stuff cuz I didn’t find it purposeful. I’m broken from it.
Ask him if he could trust you again if you deleted your tiktok and IG accounts. And then delete them.
Or if you don’t wish to do that, and want to keep making money from followers, then your guy is saying that’s his boundary to protect his heart.
You can’t control what your followers will send to you. If he’s not ok with that, then your choice seems to be him or the extra money, but not both. That sucks and it hurts, but it also means that having both was never really a possibility.
I deleted my TikTok already without him asking and he said TikTok isn’t the problem. He’s upset that they sent sexual stuff back. I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t care for the money, I never knew how it would hurt him and I couldn’t care less for money, even if I had 2 cents in my account. I care about him a lot. He thinks I will unintentionally hurt him again.
He’s punishing you for things other people did. They sent things to you, that’s not a choice you made, and you even blocked them after it happened. Instead of comforting you for being sent unwanted graphic sexual imagery, he is instead choosing to make it about himself and his feelings. Doesn’t sound like a great guy to me.
The first guy I might have entertained back for money (he spoke German so I had to translate every sentence ) so I can’t even remember what I said but I did say I wanted the money now and we spent three days arguing about it and then I blocked. Then I told him haha the photos were fake u idiot and he said the same and I said idgaf about ur photos and blocked. My boyfriend is obviously upset about it. I never wanted any photos. I felt bad for the third time cuz I gave my Instagram to someone because they said they’d help with $ and asked for my Instagram and then told me to sent pics of me and I said it’s on my Instagram I’m not sending anything and then they sent a dick pic and said “like this” or something and I said ew and blocked.
Once again, none of that is specifically your fault, and as I said in another comment, you would do well to come to terms with your own behavior and choose to either change it for yourself, or become comfortable with yourself.
Sex work is work. Sexting for money is a job. Just like being a Bikini Barista or a stripper, and so on. There isn’t and should be no shame in it. If you are able to leverage your looks for income, you also deserve a partner who is comfortable with that. Your current “partner” is not.
I strongly advise you to become more comfortable with yourself and find someone who is similarly comfortable with you. It will hurt to lose this boy, but you will find more mature men out there who won’t fall apart in the face of this.
Thanks, I understand this. I never sent anything of myself, so I saw it more as “help” or a “scam” as I was sending fake nudes of the internet. I know many people do this with their boyfriends to make money. He didn’t like it which I get because we have to respect each other’s boundaries and I don’t care about the money anymore. I don’t know how to win him back. What hurts me a lot is that we met up to talk about it, hugged in bed for a while, told him let’s talk and he didn’t want to but we had sex and cuddled and did everything all night and the next day before leaving is when he said it. I feel like this isn’t fair
